In the Dark Garden
Ever feel like you want to crawl out of your own skin, and just set it aside for a bit?
You don’t necessarily need to find another vessel to slip in to, but rather you just sink down in a soundless bath of saline that holds your body in a snug-hug and yet somehow dangling free, simultaneously.
Like you can feel relaxing pressure in all the right places and just get a break from the flustered, anxious thoughts that have you stuck in a loop: round and round and round your own mind, you go? When can I get off this dark horse? I didn’t ask for the emotional equine lead line ride from hell today, you know?
Those days when you wake up, and you can tell before your feet hit the ground that you’re going to need to work hard. You’re going to have to put in substantial efforts not to fall in to some feelings that seem like they are licking their lips as they angrily wait behind the start line for the “go” signal so they can take off in a sprint to clobber you, and gobble you up in a few, fast bites leaving you empty for the day.
Have you known some of those days when you do all of the things that you are promised on paper will help and yet somehow you inexplicably fall deeper in to it with each: exercise lap, glass of water, breath of fresh air, task completed, or hard conversation-had instead of ignored, and yet… that fucking feeling just… persists?
What do you do, when you feel like you’ve exhausted your personal quota of attempts to try and grab your own belt loop so as not to let yourself fall in that dark water? Do you keep trying, or do you eventually say to yourself, “let’s call this one today babe. maybe go find some covers to stick your head under for a few hours until your family needs you again.”
Sometimes I feel like if I can just keep moving, I can outrun it that day.
Other times, I’m too tired, or sick, or PMS is a cruel demon adding to my feelings of dark+emotional lethargy.
All times, I remind myself that these feelings are part of the human condition, and that I really don’t need to always rush myself to happier times. This is hard for me. I actively pursue happiness and joy, at times to the detriment of my lived experiences. Even if I can’t put my finger directly on the bruise that might be causing this itchy tightness of living in my own shell, I should let myself bounce around in this snow globe of terror occasionally, right?
I guess for today, I just try and find a comfortable seat in the garden of lackluster feelings. I guess for today, I just try and find the beauty in the raw and ofttimes brutal underbelly of feeling morose. I guess for today, mediocre is my best.
I guess for today it will be tears for breakfast, anger for lunch, and hugs from my family for dinner, and that’s just how it goes sometimes.