Midlife Patina

I took my own breath away today

when I looked in the mirror,

and realized I now have a family

of wispy grays that frame my face.

Adjacent to each of my eyes, that are now

gently creased in the corners;

proof of life lived. 

I paused in the hall to take a few photos,

for documentary purposes.

I want to remind myself 

in a time far from now,

of how sweet it was on this day that I 

happily imagined decades beyond that exact moment. 

While I can't say I totally adore

the newest lines etched along my forehead,

or the way my knees scream, “HELLOOOO!”, 

when I barrel down stairs of a certain pitch,

I know that the alternative to aging

is not being around to witness 

those that I love as they live and breathe and laugh. 

My wish is to be present for the good days and the tough nights 

and even the weeks that feel like a relentless churn

of us steadying one another as we mark that passing

of time with wetted tissues or new medications for this ailment

and that illness. 

I have been around long enough now,

that my duck-face lips, and the pushing up of this ample cleavage

has mostly been replaced by a revolutionary healing 

of my shadow selves. 

I know now that I am beautiful in ways that some people 

will just never know,

because it takes time to cultivate mutual adoration

that goes beyond appreciation of our external, mortal shells.

As a teen, my bosom grew tenfold 

and I readied myself to accept the increase 

in my patriarchal value 

by ensuring my plump, young lips were slathered 

with sparkles in flavors of grape, cherry, lime, 

and innocence. 

I didn't know, how much I was really giving up

when I peeled off slices of my spirit

for a cheeky grin I never really even wanted. 

I feel my power grown from within, as I begin 

to understand that what I thought were curses,

are actually gifts. 

I am more than "just" a mother,

but damn do I show up for that role

with everything I have, every fucking day.

I continue to find grace for everyone but myself,

as that kind of unforgiving tar seems impossible to 

wipe from this heart. 

I caught a glimpse of myself flossing my teeth 

before bed a few nights ago, and IRL LOL’d.

I told my wife if our teenaged selves could only see us now,

they'd be cross-armed, grabbing their ribs

as they gleefully gasped with laughter at the

proud and open California witchy women

who’ve earned their midlife patina.

Go now!

Grab your sage and your lapis lazuli, because it's time…

at midnight we’ll venture outside,

to howl at the full, blood moon.

Tonight and forever more, we stand in a circle, arms linked

in community, no longer asking for anyone’s permission

to stand in our full power.