Bolinas Birthday

Today, I am 42 years old. I now oscillate between: being surprised each year that my soul age and my Earthen age feel slightly misaligned, because I feel so youthful in spirit, and feeling exactly every single minute of my 42 years in this vessel (looking at you knees).

Birthday’s are often like an annual review of one’s self, and for me personally, this year is no exception.

I want to do more:

--adventure seeking —tasting of new-to-me foods+flavors —cultivating patience —asking questions and listening to learn —letting myself get lit up by the quirkiness and soulful learnings of others —getting more comfortable on the bench of discomfort and in keeping others company as they navigate challenging feelings —spend more time in a giving state to my community —spend some of those “giving” hours looking for and reaching toward those that feel forgotten or unloved —helping people see they are not alone; especially queer people who have been turned inside out and away from the group where they were raised up —allow myself more grace to be perfectly imperfect —remind myself that it’s ok to state exactly what one requires in order to get a need met in any category of human connection —spend less time figuring out how I can bend myself to those that drain me —lean towards those who encourage me to let my freak out.

With my wife:

—more, more, more of all of it: I bite my lip too hard thinking of you. I deepen my crow’s feet with each grin. I crack my lips from smiling every time I think about sharing this life with you.

See also:—more, more, more laughing with my wife at night. I hope you know what I mean here, because it is the kind that is spontaneous and might spray toothpaste everywhere, or cause goose-honking too late and so you spend ten minutes coughing after the laughs have ended but it’s worth it because MY GOODNESS what a FEELING. It’s the distilation of the electricity of feeling ALIVE with someone you LOVE so MUCH.

And our kid:

I want all the little laughs and the big tears; the huge adventures and the wild discussions and the questions that have no end in sight. I want it all, and I won’t feel bad about it. Time is a gift and one we can only enjoy if we are allowed and able to age.

I am not 20 anymore, and that is not just ok, that is great. I get to be 42, and walking with the wisdom and experience I’ve garnered every minute, of every day I’ve spent in this body to date.

Priceless, like the weekend I had with my beloved family, including A+B up north in Bolinas. I want more of those, and even the lows of asking myself why I work so hard to do new shit on a Friday afternoon at the end of an insane week? Followed by then waking up Saturday morning to seals swimming past our lagoon-facing deck with coffee, while my wife reminds me that this is why we do the hard stuffs of adventuring; because it’s the kind of learning and refresh a soul simply cannot get when stagnant.

I want to do less:

—complaining without putting in the effort required to make a change —expecting others to process things in ways I deem easy/acceptable —stop holding in big feelings without releasing the pressure valve a bit, thus fostering the ability for bigger kabooms to pop off when a small conversation may have covered it —scratching my mosquito bites to death —spending mental energy on people who have written me off or have asked me specifically not to be exactly who I am —become more organized and less trash panda, even when no one is looking because it matters for me solo as well —continue to learn to actually let the guise of control go more and not just in commending myself for doing so when I like, let my kid pick which way we turn on the bike ride home, but instead… really breathe… release… and see where other people’s directions and dreams can take me, sometimes.

Wrap-Up, p1:

As always, the second to last wrap up part of my personal annual review isn’t a compensation adjustment chat, but the same Mary Oliver poem on loop. This year, there’s also a reminder that my inner peace is up to me, with a new quote thrown in that I haven’t been able to get out of my head since the second I heard it.

Wrap-Up, p2:

The final piece of my personal annual review, is to say the kind of thank you that is so deep, so gracious and profound, that it is genuinely a challenge to grab the right words to convey them, but I’ll try. To my birth mother for bringing me here, I appreciate you more than you’ll ever know. You’ve lived a thousand lives in my mind. You’ve had so many different faces, and personality traits, of which almost certainly none of them are true because they are my made up fantasy. You didn’t have to do what you did, bringing me all of the way here. Or maybe you did? If so, I’m sorry if it was the latter. I would never begrudge you wanting to have an easier time at 15 years old than you must have toting me around for ten months. I am an adoptee who supports the right to choose, forever and always. Although I don’t ever remember meeting you, I carry pieces of us with me always. All my love to you where ever you may be…

Happy Birthday to me. I can’t believe I’m here, and that I get to share air with my people in this place… a gift indeed. -Lauren.