I am running up to the line on AGE40, and I have been thinking about who I have been, and who I’d like to be going forward.

Here are 40 of the things I want:

1-I want to leave it all out on the field of life. What is the point in holding back? We get one of these (in this current form anyways), and I don’t want to waste any of this goodness. The odds that in all of the universe we assembled in to these human bodily vessels in this time, and this place, with these loved ones is almost impossible and yet here we are; let’s do what we can, when we can, to enjoy it.

2-I want to be the kind of person who feels so deeply, that I can be a conduit of energy and comfort for someone who has unknowingly boxed themselves up, and wants to be free.

3-I want to see the world, and I want to do that with my wife and kid and friends and family so that I can turn to someone and say things like: “did you see that amazing planter box”, “this fresh juice is tickling my tongue with delight”, and “holy shit, that house has three chandeliers and a sculpture in their front window! The pizzaz on that place!”.

4-I want to lick my lips after every meal and think, “Wow! That was scrumptious!”

5-I want to dive headfirst off of a safe seaside cliff, in to freezing cold water, and feel like I belong in that ice water. Then, I want to swim over to the side where my beloved wife is waiting for me with a warm towel and a piping hot chocolate, because it’s ok that she doesn’t prefer a swim like I do, we can still share that moment together.

6-I want to remind people that there are all kinds of ways to walk through this world; one is not better than another, they are just inherently different.

7-I want to heal my childhood wounds, and know myself in a way that cuts through the bullshit of the false narratives I’ve spent years crafting.

8-I want to remind myself that I had some bullying behaviors as a YA/teenager as a defense mechanism, not because I am a “bad” person.

9-I want to remember the above in conjunction with the fact that it is never too late to apologize. I can’t make someone accept my apology, but I can take those steps towards making repairs.

10-I want to remember to continuously apologize to Miles when I make a mistake that involves them. Just because someone is younger than you, or “your” child, doesn’t mean you get to treat them any which way and not acknowledge, apologize, and repair. I assure you, kids are aware when you’ve fucked it up and put it on them. Gaslighting someone isn’t cool no matter their age, friends.

11- I want to see my spouse flourish and enjoy life, and to remember every single day, how lucky, lucky, lucky I am to have crossed paths with their soul all those years ago. What a wild, incredible thread of life we’re weaving together. I hope we continue to feel butterflies and passion for all of our days. I have to remind myself not to devour her like a crisp, luscious apple some days, for if I inhale her all at once, there will be nothing left for me to quench my desire for the rest of my days here on Earth.

12- I want to take a cooking class and become an expert at all of the Mother sauces. Life is richer with sauces, and no one wants that gritty or watery B.S.

13- I want to exclaim with joy at each and every sunset, and not hold back because I just made a whole show of it, like, yesterday evening.

14- I want to muster up the courage one day, to reach out to my childhood bully and tell them how much they fucked me up for awhile. Not because I want to emotionally hurt them, but because I need to release the anger and sadness from my tight grip.

15- I want to show other people in the LGBTQIA+ community, that love, joy, comfort, safety and happiness are for us, too. Homophobia and other acts of hatred say much more about the hater than the subject of their ire. May we be given a space safe enough to live our truth, and love who we love without fear.

16- I want to tell my estranged sibling that I don’t need their approval, and really, truly mean it. As I navigate my newfound therapy experience, I can see now just how very brave and courageous I have been in my life, and I am proud of how much I have stood up for myself in impossibly vulnerable situations.

17- I want to learn how to make stained glass panels.

18- I want to finally ride in a hot air balloon, and also not have it be the day I die.

19- I want to write a book that I am proud of, and enjoy reading. I want it to be honest, and help other people navigate their complicated feelings with humor and grace.

20- I want to drop off a meal to someone at least once a month, just because life is hard and it’s nice when people do things for you for no specific reason.

21- I want to become a better active listener.

22- I want to figure out if I actually have ADHD or something of the like, or if I can hone my skills of concentration enough to push through what feels like a massive brain-blocking boundary of my own making.

23- I want to learn how not to scratch my mosquito bites until I get a bloody scab.

24- I want to never, ever, ever pick at my own face again, and waltz through the rest of the sun rotations with bright, clear skin that is free from wounds of my own making.

25- I want to show people that you can be a parent, for me specifically “Mother” is how I name myself caregiver-wise, AND you can be a sexually passionate human being. They are not mutually exclusive identities as much as the patriarchy would love to control your orgasms.

26- I want to live to see a world where gender and other limiting binaries get set aside in favor of viewing a person as a whole being on a sliding scale of thoughts and feelings and permissions to be and explore and feel without the fear of stepping outside of their forced label boxes.

27- I want to climb a mountain pass again, like I did when I turned 30.

28- I want to see the sun rise over the valley below, and know that my strong legs and determination brought me to the pinnacle, and that my body is capable of bringing me down to the ground again.

29- I want to remember to protect and preserve my family’s spirits, even as we all have to move through the societal sieve that is life.

30- I want to laugh at inappropriate times, because even when life is full of sadness or grief, there is still humor in the dark.

31- I want to practice, on repeat, to learn how to make wonderfully smooth custard. There is cake which is spongy and tangy, and cookies that are crunchy, yet soft, and then there is custard, which paints your tongue with smooth flavor that feels akin to balm for your soul.

32- I want to swim in Kakaban Lake some day.

33- I want to tap in to my spiritual self more deeply. I have spent years unwinding the spool of guilt and self-hate that my path of Catholicism aided me in winding and binding myself up in; so much so, that for years I assumed I was simply not a person of any faith. It turns out, my faith is in humanity, and all of the universes known and unknown. I believe there is a cosmic connection between each and every living thing, and that for me, is how I interpret “faith”. I’d like to give myself permission to explore our connectedness more, even though some people find it to be, “woo-woo”. I suggest to those people, you try the Amy Poehler saying of, “Good for her/them! Not for me!”.

34- I want to visit Capri again, this time with my family. When I do so, I want to sip some limoncello on a rocky beach, and visualize: college-aged, closeted me sleeping on the beach with ten study abroad friends, because we had not made advance-lodging plans for Capri in the middle of tourist season. I want to stare out to sea and imagine myself that night; swimming in the ocean in the dark, and making it out to a large rock far off from the beach. I cut my knee as I hauled myself up on that jagged boulder, realizing that maybe I had done a very dumb thing going out there on my own. But then, I knew there was only one way out of the mess I’d just made, and it was returning to and through that salted water. So, I reversed-course, and when I stepped back on to that cold sand, I uncovered a newfound courage. I would use this fresh courage a few months later, to come out to everyone I know as the lesbian I am, and have always been.

35- I want to continue to experience friendships that are so deep, and open and intimate, that they parallel romantic love.

36- I want people to know that all signs point to, of course there is more than one person on Earth for each of our soul’s to fall in love with; it’s when we act upon those feelings in a secret, shady, or trust-breaking way that is unacceptable. All kinds of people will bring out your sparkle if you want them to, and you can sparkle without breaking trust.

37- I want to make, and eat, ten layer lasagna at least twice a year for the rest of my life. I do not want ricotta in this lasagna because it is gritty. I want béchamel and bolognese as the two alternating sauces, then a pile of sautéed wild mushrooms and fresh mozzarella sprinkled on top.

38- I want to be able to give myself grace when I am not pleased with my behavior, and I would like to be able to do the same for those around me. I want to learn to forgive more easily, and to relax my own rules about how things I deem important need to be done, “just so”.

39- I want to take 100 of whatever non-addictive pills will help me “chill”, and relax in to knowing that Miles will navigate life, school, and personal growth not with out bumps and bruises. But, their shining spirit will push through all of that noise. I wish our child 100 lifetimes of the happiness and joy his Mother and I have felt since since the day we met them.

40- I want to continue to love my wife deeply and openly. There are days and moments in which I am gripped with an icy fear of the unimaginable grief and loss I might feel should she leave this place before me. I know that it is a sincere and true love that runs beneath that fear, and so I want to help myself tumble further and further in to all that love with wild abandon and joy, instead of worry for how my heart might feel if/when it shatters in to a hundred million splintered shards.

What a gift wrinkles and birthday cake’s with loads of candles and grey hair are, you know? The signs of a long-life lived, and here’s to hopefully many more.